I've abandoned this journal long enough, and I've been quiet for long enough. My therapist told me writing things out and not being afraid of revealing some truths might help... so here goes.
TW: sexual abuse, emotional abuse, narcissist abuse
I was abused by my ex-fiance of ten-ish years. His name is Thomas Tulak and he is a covert narcissist whom likes to cheat on women and make them do things they don't want to do. Mostly by grooming them. He love-bombed me for about a year before showing me his true self. I fell in love with a completely different person but after he showed me his true side I felt stuck... and like I couldn't do better, because he constantly made me feel that way.
He is a cuckold, (and exhibitionist by proxy) The very definition. I hated it, and he knew, but didn't care, just gaslit me about it.
(Quotes are from Professor Sam Vaknin)
"The Slut-Madonna Complex: to be sexually attracted to their spouses, some men need to “debase” and “humiliate” them by witnessing their “sluttish” conduct with others"
Apparently cucks will only degrade the "pretty" partners. Then after they are discarded like trash, they move on to a "motherly" partner, whom they will not push this lifestyle onto so much. So, I got abused because he found me "hot" and not his current partner(s). Maybe he's over the whole cuck/humiliation by proxy stuff. Honestly I hope so. Obviously, I still have C-PTSD from this relationship. "Some swingers use the Lifestyle to “display” or “exhibit” their partners, casting them as desired and desirable trophies, or status symbols (“hotwife”). Others present may sexually “sample the wife” but never own her: “I am the one who ends up going home with her” – these swingers brag, thus reaffirming their own irresistibility and attractiveness" He called me a "Hot wife" all the time.
My nightmare began on Feb 20th 2007. I should have never said yes to dating him that night... I didn't want to, I found him so unattractive physically it was almost hard to look at him... but I was lonely at the time so I took a chance. A stupid chance. It was great at first because his love-bombing was impressive. He made me think he was a great guy... he's just a great actor (and I was really vulnerable and naïve)
One of the worst times was (the first time) sometime in 2008, He had a friend come over who I didn't really know I think he found on craigslist (ended up being in a gang illegally selling guns, btw), and told me to do sexual things to him while he was outside the apartment, looking in. I thought it was so weird my boyfriend set me up with some weird guy while he watches from the bushes outside. But, I didn't do it, I chickened out... and right after that, he told me we were visiting my parents and then broke up with me before hopping in the car and leaving me. We were ENGAGED. I was scared of being alone, though, so I begged for forgiveness, it wasn't easy, but he "took me back" for a couple of years... and I started doing the sick, disgusting things he wanted, leaving me with no self-respect and misery. He knew I hated it but would constantly ask over and over until I gave in, mostly due to fear of being abandoned, again.
Another time he and his friend were in the car with me and they kept asking me over and over to do stuff with them, it was SO much pressure, they wouldn't shut up about it, I was literally crying and they didn't care, when we got to the destination they took my clothes off and blah blah, they ended up getting mad at me for not doing what they wanted. I was so scared Tom would leave me again... I guess it left me upset for a while...
Then he cheated (for the first time), and then tried to gaslight me about it....
I was the only one working at the time, he was going to band practice a lot, and doing youtube, so I guess he was too busy to get a job. Whatever, I never complained... I just worked my ass off to try and get us a place to live. After a few months he told me I should move in with him and his friends and things would get better, and for some reason I believed him. It happened fast, when I moved in I was so stressed to be the only one working and at a minimum wage job... he wasn't doing shit. He had money because he got a check from SAG or whatever for being in a movie when he was six. Anyways, after a couple months I noticed him growing distant and he stopped saying "I love you" so I snooped on his computer and found out he was planning on leaving me for some girl in Kansas. The fuck. Oh, but it's not cheating because it wasn't "official or in person yet". Of course when I confronted him, I calmly told him what I found and his reaction was to scream at me, like it was all my fault, like I offended him (it was weird and crazy) then he waddled to his car and left me there with his friends, crying and confused. I stayed there for a couple of days because I didn't have a car and it was far from my parents' house, so I had to just ignore it, while he was still begging me for sex, pushing himself on me til I yelled stop. Thank god we almost always had roommates... It took too long for him to stop... and sometimes he wouldn't stop. All while he was talking to Kansas girl, it was awful. I got so depressed I just didn't care. So he was in a "relationship" with her but still sleeping with me. What a great guy...
Eventually, after he flew to Kansas to see this random girl, he came back and started talking me immediately, and sleeping with me of course, so he was still technically dating her, and also being with me. POS..After we got back together (she dumped him) he told me we needed to move to Utah because his mother was being threatened or some, drama...whatever, fine, I'm dead inside at this point. Why was he with me?? So Utah... I was the only one with job, again... for months and months. Oh, but he made a short film and won a little money so it's fine, we sold MY camera and got one with video so I could support him. Of course he kept it in the end. I felt sorry for him by that point... anyway, One day, though, his sister came into our room and told me he liked Kansas girl more than me... and she obviously said this to upset me (I still have no idea why, but she, and his mom, were on a lot of drugs, they BOTH tried to get me to snort opiates multiple times). After I told him what his sister said, he said something to his mom (I'll never know what) and she came down like some monster, screaming and yelling but none of it made sense. She was on a drug-induced rampage of some sort... and it was the scariest thing I'd ever seen. She pounded the door down so hard it nearly snapped in half. We had to leave that night... it was in a blizzard and I had to leave my stuff behind... so, naturally they destroyed ALL of my artwork. Nothing was left, I was devastated and it took a LONG time to recover from that. I didn't want to paint again for years.
Dealing with all of that, plus being made to sleep with random guys, post nudes online (while he made multiple fake accounts pretending to be other people to compliment me), do sexual things when he wanted or he'd be upset, or I was scare he'd leave me, being gaslit, scared he would cheat again.... yes, I was depressed. That was my biggest crime. I never pressured him to do something he really didn't want to do, over and over til he was worn down... that is fucked up. There were times he would force me to do things on him, or he'd threaten me by saying he'll send my photos to my family, it's so fucked up when I sit and start remembering. I don't want to remember, but I'm still having flashbacks. Sometimes it's just stupid stuff, like he'd ask me to flash the drive-thru guys so we get free food... every SINGLE time, I started making us eat inside because I dreaded the drive-thru... and, even though I'm with a guy that would never make me do that, I still get anxious in drive-thrus.
There would be times he denied me water on his film sets, and a couple times he would just threaten to break up with me if I didn't act well enough. Even other co-stars were saying that was fucked up of him, then he'd pretend he was joking. Hopefully, though, I'm the only one who ever sees that side of him... I hope he doesn't treat anyone half as bad as he treated me... nobody deserves that.
Another red flag was when he told me about the time Robin Williams called him to re-connect years after the film they were in (HOOK). That's such an awesome thing for Robin to do! Of course, Tom fucking asks him to be in his friend's student film and that made Robin feel super uncomfortable and awkward (or so it sounded like according to him). He told me he always felt bad after that, of course Robin never called back, why the fuck would he? I'm glad he has to live with that guilt, but narcissist rarely feel empathy so I'm sure he's brushed it off by now. That would bother me forever.
Oh, and he posted a bunch of nudes of me online and didn't tell me that passwords, so that's cool.
There is so much more, but it's early and I'm tired... I think this is good for now. My new therapist said this would help so I'm trying. I still have complex PTSD, trauma bond, narc abuse, it is complicated to treat... so it takes a while. I'm not even going to get into how a couple of his friends date-raped me, that's a whole 'nother post. I don't care anymore, fuck these people. It feels good to finally let some of this go, hopefully it will help with healing. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful, supportive husband, I cannot believe I stayed with T for so long, I feel so dumb! He made me feel like nobody else would love me like he did, so I felt hopeless. But, at least that lead me to a better life, even if it took forever, and even if I still have PTSD. Narcissist's are tricky and I will give him this... he can be a really good actor. I believed he loved me.
